Jokes

It's difficult to be really good-looking, and to be a good comedian. (beat) I would imagine.

Seriously, though. It's not just the whole "I'm ugly and unpopular so I have to tell jokes to be liked" I mean, it's that too, but it's not JUST that. But if there was a comedian up here talking about how awesome he is and how many girls he gets, you'd all fucking hate him. And if a really good-looking guy talks about NOT being able to get girls, all the girls would be like "I'll do you!" When I talk about not being able to get girls, all the girls are like "yep."

It's tough to get girls, and not just because I'm unattractive. You see, I lost my job, and then I was paying $750 a month in rent while only making about $600. This is a net loss, especially when you still have to pay for food and gas and other stuff. So I figured I'd move back home. I'd save on rent because my parents pity me, I'd save on food because my mother feeds me, and I'd save on gas because when you live with your parents, nobody wants to hang out with you, so you just stay home a lot! Also, my dad has the good cable.

Here is the downfall of this plan: my house, while cheap and convenient... well... my parents live there, too. So... that's awkward. So you can see, even if I was good-looking or charming or attractive in any way, most girls in their late-20s are repulsed by a guy who sleeps on a futon in his parents' basement. "I don't want to date a stereotype of modern failure!"

So, that leaves masturbation, but I remember masturbating at home when I was a kid, and it wasn't that fun, because you always had to worry about getting caught. I love in movies and stuff where people have sex in public and it's "better" because they "might get caught." It's not better for masturbating, because when you get caught having sex, you might be in trouble, but you're really still awesome, because you got to have sex. I was masturbating. Nobody is impressed with you for masturbating. Not even your mother. I've learned.

My parents like my sister more than they like me. Which is fair, because she's a lawyer, and I'm here. It's tough going to family gatherings when you're so clearly inferior to someone with the exact same genetic material. And my mom has three bitchy sisters who all brag about their kids. So we get "Meghan has her own office at work, and is getting important casework! And Peter, he mowed the lawn without even being asked!"

Sleep is lovely, death is better still, not to have been born is of course the miracle.- Heine

Life is precious. Why, exactly, I can't say, but that's what they tell me.

Why is it always night when I get to think about all of the things that I'd rather forget? Every embarrassment, every shame, every failure, every worry, all crop up when I want to sleep. Sleeping is the best part of my life, since I can completely ignore reality.

What do I live for, exactly? My best memories are either nostalgic lies or superficial entertainments. Everything real that I remember fondly is only so remembered because I was lucky enough to forget that I was just as miserable then. Other than that, I seem to only exist to pass the time with movies, books, and video games. All of my happiness seems to come from forgetting about my actual life and trying to insert myself into another one. Why is this? It seems that life, when it's not drowning you in misery, is really pretty fucking boring. I suppose there are exceptions, like millionaire rock stars who get all the free drugs and sex they can handle. And a lot of rock stars kill themselves. I mean, what the fuck is that?

Suicide is a funny thing. Why do people kill themselves? Obviously, because they hated their fucking lives. It's considered such a terrible thing, a cowardly and selfish act. Why is it selfish? Isn't dying supposed to be bad? I'll tell you why it's selfish. It's because all the other assholes who don't have the stones to off themselves want you around to keep them company while they hate their lives, too. Misery loves company, after all.

Back to me. I don't have a job, my own place, or any self-respect. I'm only 26, but I feel ancient. I'm watching my body slowly morph into a fatter, softer, less athletic version of itself. That's right, I used to be an athlete. I also used to get laid all the time, by attractive women, I used to party and have fun and have no responsibilities. But I was miserable then, too. Why? Because I was always fucking something up.

It's funny, I've been fucking up my whole life. The only thing that makes this worse is that the stakes are higher. I fucked up in elementary school, but you barely even got graded then. I fucked up in middle school, but those grades didn't actually count. I fucked up in high school, but I was smart enough to squeak by. I fucked up in college. Well, that's started to turn back on me. It took me six expensive years to get through college, and now my transcript is so shitty that getting a job has been difficult. For good measure, I did so poorly at my last job that they don't seem to ever want to hear from me again.

And here we are. Now I am really and truly fucked. I'm 26, and I've already chained myself to a lifetime of mediocrity. I know what you're probably thinking? “Why don't you go back to school/get some exercise/eat better/stop being an asshole?” Well, I've been me my entire life, and I've learned that I'm not going to do anything that's hard unless someone is making me do it.