Jokes

It's difficult to be really good-looking, and to be a good comedian. (beat) I would imagine.

Seriously, though. It's not just the whole "I'm ugly and unpopular so I have to tell jokes to be liked" I mean, it's that too, but it's not JUST that. But if there was a comedian up here talking about how awesome he is and how many girls he gets, you'd all fucking hate him. And if a really good-looking guy talks about NOT being able to get girls, all the girls would be like "I'll do you!" When I talk about not being able to get girls, all the girls are like "yep."

It's tough to get girls, and not just because I'm unattractive. You see, I lost my job, and then I was paying $750 a month in rent while only making about $600. This is a net loss, especially when you still have to pay for food and gas and other stuff. So I figured I'd move back home. I'd save on rent because my parents pity me, I'd save on food because my mother feeds me, and I'd save on gas because when you live with your parents, nobody wants to hang out with you, so you just stay home a lot! Also, my dad has the good cable.

Here is the downfall of this plan: my house, while cheap and convenient... well... my parents live there, too. So... that's awkward. So you can see, even if I was good-looking or charming or attractive in any way, most girls in their late-20s are repulsed by a guy who sleeps on a futon in his parents' basement. "I don't want to date a stereotype of modern failure!"

So, that leaves masturbation, but I remember masturbating at home when I was a kid, and it wasn't that fun, because you always had to worry about getting caught. I love in movies and stuff where people have sex in public and it's "better" because they "might get caught." It's not better for masturbating, because when you get caught having sex, you might be in trouble, but you're really still awesome, because you got to have sex. I was masturbating. Nobody is impressed with you for masturbating. Not even your mother. I've learned.

My parents like my sister more than they like me. Which is fair, because she's a lawyer, and I'm here. It's tough going to family gatherings when you're so clearly inferior to someone with the exact same genetic material. And my mom has three bitchy sisters who all brag about their kids. So we get "Meghan has her own office at work, and is getting important casework! And Peter, he mowed the lawn without even being asked!"